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Tis not the night that I fear,
With all its evil lurking within the darkness of itself,
Or its uncertain sounds that I hear.
Tis not the light that I fear,
With all the dangers it reveals right before my eyes in seeing, hearing the taunting jeers.
Tis the relationships that I fear.
Tis the closeness of someone holding me, loving me, in this cruel world.
Tis the thing I long for the most that is what I fear.
I want someone there to dry the tears that quietly roll down my cheeks and rest upon my chin.
Yes, oh yes.
Tis the relationship of another that I fear.
I know this is the thing that I fear, for I destroy every potential aspect of hope of it.
Or is it the dastardly pain that wreaks my body from yesterday that I fear?
Or is it “I” that I fear?
Oh my God, is it Thine own self that I fear?
After all
I chose not to take care of myself,
I lay there night after dreadful night allowing this terrible horrible thing to continue.
What is it that I fear?
Is it
the insecurity that my "protector", and "caretaker" placed on me from early on?
Oh, how I do long for the intimacy of another,
The closeness, the relationship of another.
This thing that I long for, that is what I fear.
The words “I love you”, that is what I pray to hear.
Yet
That is what I fear.
You, yes you,
Should you choose to love me, to be close to me,
For whatever reasons
you may choose:
My wit, my charm, even what may be my brutal honesty,
Or my outward appearance of ruggedness.
I have all of
the above,
For they have been the crutches this emotionally crippled soul has leaned on for
survival.
Prepare to be hurt, emotionally at least.
And by heart know it is not you that I hurt.
It is the fear of the relationship that I attempt to sabotage.
It is the weakness and insecurities within mine own self that lash out at your
strengths,
To bring you down to my level of brokenness.
Tis the lack of ability on a day to day basis,
To love mine own self enough to accept the love you offer me.
To allow you to love me,
I feel unworthy of the precious, sweet love you offer.
This is what I fear.
Not the darkness of night, not the brightness of light.
Tis the relationship that I fear.
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