SEARCHING

Do you find it interesting that many of us are constantly forging ahead seeking happiness, or searching for that magical solution to fill that everlasting empty void in our lives?  We go about all sorts of changes throughout our lives, such as lost jobs, relationship break-ups, drugs, alcohol, anorexia, bulimia, obesity, workaholic, sexual addiction, to name a few.  We often title this seemingly endless search “Trying to find ourselves.”

I did practically all of the above for almost fifty years.  Searching for that magical word called “Happiness”, I was always in a mode of change.  I was constantly accompanied by confusion, fear, denial, neglect.  Oh, there were some happy moments along the way.  But there always seemed to be more sad than glad.  There were many times when I felt the fear of change was greater than the pain of staying where I was.  Still, all of the craziness was something I could count on.  I knew what that was like.

I noticed when I started working on myself, I would always project my anger at innocent people.  I had a way of always hurting the ones I loved the most.  This is very common as we were often hurt by the ones that supposedly loved us the most.  This is not saying that because we were hurt as children that it gives us the right to hurt others in our lives.  This is just acknowledging that it does happen that way many times.

Other times we try to find happiness in others.  If they do not live up to our expectations we want to put all of the blame on them.  I feel that this is the reason for the high divorce rate and domestic violence in our society today.  We are looking for that happiness in the one we love, our spouse, children, etc.  You are not giving me that happiness so let's get divorce.  Or we start beating on our spouse and children, or our spouse starts beating on us, and we have a tendency to say things like, “If you hadn’t done this or that, I wouldn’t have hit you,” placing the blame on another person.  This is usually taking the hurt from our past and giving it to someone in the present.  It really is not about the person we abuse, it is about some unfinished business from our past.

We may also try to find happiness in material things.  You will not find happiness and peace in a new convertible, or the country club, or even with a Ph. D. and job promotions.   The true path to total happiness is through the path to your innermost self.  It is in the darkest memories of your soul that you will find the key to your happiness.  You have the opportunity to forgive those who have hurt you.  Now let me caution you, be prepared for a long and painful journey, for certainly it will be one.  You must pack well for this journey: Take one good therapist, one good significant other, a lot of Kleenex (and use them).  Remember tears wash the windows of the soul, and you can see more clearly after a good wash.  The more you cry the more clearly you will be able to see on this spectacular journey.  Other things you might be prepared for along the way are: Panic Attacks, Numbing, Anxiety Attacks, Shutting Down, Loss of all feelings, amongst other things.  You might ask, “Is it worth all of this?”  Well, for me, the answer is yes, yes, a thousand times yes.  Dare to survive!!!