REACHING OUT, REACHING IN

I am constantly reaching out, outside of myself that is, to fill that hungering crave that lives inside of me.  All my life I have reached out for anything to fill that empty void in my soul.  But all that did was creating a bigger cavity of longing, crying out from within me. I felt like a child sitting in a grocery cart at the supermarket, when the mom pushed the cart up and own each aisle, the child reached out for anything and everything trying to grab it all. But no matter how much I reached out for, there was never enough.

If I am not reaching out, I am reaching in.  I am trying to find all the pieces of the puzzle to put my life back together.  At times I seem to be in a deep depression, so engulfed tracking the back roads of my mind and seeking the answers to life’s miseries.

At times in my life I would act out.  I would hurt friends for no apparent reasons.  I would get into fights, steal, drive like crazy, gamble or become a workaholic, all in an attempt to feel some power in my life and exert some control for my pitiful little life.  For so many years I lost all power or control in my life.

If I was not acting out, I was acting in.  I was drinking alcohol, using drugs, eating or not eating properly, trying to fill that empty void and to replace the loneliness, the brokenness, of days gone by.

All the reaching and acting in or out did was causing a numbness of my whole being.  Now, I realize that I must allow myself to feel my pain, then the numbness is slowly fading as I start to feel again.  Yes, this is painful but the healing starts with feeling.  Recovery starts with acknowledging, not reaching out, or reaching in, acting out or acting in.